101 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley
by The Santi
Summary: What word would you use to describe Ron Weasley? Scholar? Gentleman? Friend? Yeah, I didn't think so.
1. Deaths 1 to 5

**This story is inspired by Crys' 1001 Deaths of Lord Voldemort on FanficAuthors (Dot) Net**

For many of us, we hate one character in canon more than any other. No, not Lord Voldemort. I am, of course, talking about Ron Weasley.

Ron is lazy, stupid, annoying, and, in my opinion, mentally retarded.

Now, many in the fanfiction community hate Ginny much more than Ron; however, I find that to be more based upon their experiences with fanfiction than Ginny's actual roll in canon. Let's all be honest, outside of CoS and a cameo in OoTP, Ginny has very few lines and almost no involvement in the plot while Ron plays the role of a giant douchebag throughout the books.

This story, which I hope people will enjoy, is my way of killing off the dumbass in as many colorful ways as possible.

In case you can't tell, expect major Ron!Bashing.

* * *

**101 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley**

**#1-5**

**The Seven Deadly Sins part 2 (Gluttony)...**

With a stupid grin on his face, Ron went about his normal 'Welcome Back to Hogwarts' breakfast. On his magically expanded plate were 12 sausages, 7 eggs, 11 strips of bacon, 2 muffins, a side of porridge, and a massive smoked kipper. He never noticed that everyone at the Gryffindor table, including his only two friends, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, were looking at him with open disgust.

"Ron that's disgusting," Hermione snapped peevishly.

Ignoring the scowling witch, Ron continued to eat his breakfast. He had learned a long time ago how to tune out an annoying woman. He had dealt with his mother for years before coming to Hogwarts after all. Besides it's not like anything Hermione said was important. It was typically one of the same four things she repeated over and over again, "Do your homework," "Don't eat so much," "Quidditch isn't everything," or "I love you so much Ron! Kiss me again!"

Okay, maybe that last one hadn't happened yet, but he could dream.

As Ron thought about dating Hermione, a bit of half-chewed food made its way down the side of his mouth along with some drool. So absorbed by his thoughts, he never heard the conversations starting around him.

"Look at him, he's disgusting!"

"I know, you'd think he's never seen food before."

"_He_ is Harry Potter's best friend? I guess the Prophet got it right about Potter being mad."

One particularly confused first year even asked, "Is it normal for Wizards to eat _that_ much?"

Hoping to shock some decent manners into his friend before Hermione cursed him, Harry said, "Hey Ron did you hear that the Cannons have officially decided to give up and disband their team? They said that after half a century of loosing it's just too futile to keep on playing."

Ron jerked his head up and looked at his best friend in horror. He opened his mouth to say something, but he was only halfway done swallowing his latest helping of food. Ron's body and mind fought each other for dominance. His body demanding that he swallow his food, lest he choke to death, and his mind screaming at him to force out a few words to describe the horror of the Cannons disbanding their team.

After nearly a minute into the struggle, Ron turned purple and fell face forward into his large plate of food.

"I really hoped he would stop diving into his food this year," Harry sighed.

Hermione glared at the redhead who was face deep in his own breakfast. "Oh, let's just leave him, Harry, we're going to be late to class."

"Alright, let's go," Harry agreed. "If telling Ron that the Cannons had given up wouldn't work, nothing will distract him from his breakfast."

Harry and Hermione stood up, gave an apologetic look to the rest of the Gryffindors at the table, and quickly went to class. It would be three hours before anyone would realize that Ron wasn't stuffing his face, and had died.

* * *

**The Buffalo Incident...**

Flitwick looked excitedly around the room. "Now, don't forget that nice wrist movement we've been practicing! Swish and flick! And saying the magic words properly is very important, too - never forget Wizard Baruffio, who said 's' instead of 'f' and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest."

Ron laughed stupidly and turned to his new best mate, Harry Potter, who looked nervous. "I bet that's a load load of codswallop, Harry. There is no way anything like that could happen."

A certain bushy-haired know it all turned to glare at him. "Professor Flitwick wouldn't have warned us if it wasn't important," she hissed.

"Please, he's just kidding around," Ron scoffed. "Here I'll prove it. Sinite Incantatem!"

"Mr. Weasley, no!" Flitwick screamed as a massive two-ton buffalo appeared out of nowhere, crushing the first year.

As Harry looked on in horror, Hermione sniffed imperiously. "Idiot."

* * *

**The Horcrux...**

"Leave the Horcrux," Harry said.

Ron wrenched the chain from over his head and was about to cast the locket into a nearby chair when a thought struck him. "All you care about are these bloody Horcruxes, Potter! Not me. Not Mione. Not anything. Well fuck you. I'm taking your precious Horcrux with me!"

Harry and Hermione looked on in horror as Ron ran out of the tent, the Horcrux cradled in one of his hands.

Turning to Hermione, Harry frantically said, "He's mad! We have to stop him!"

Hermione raced after Ron, and seeing that he was about to apparate, cast an anti-apparation jinx. Ron's body disappeared for a moment, but then came the sound of a horrible scream. A moment later, the bloody torso of Ron Weasley appeared in front of Harry and Hermione.

"Oh, no!" Hermione wailed. "He must have started to disapparate the moment I cast the jinx! I killed him!"

As Hermione continued to cry, Harry looked around the clearing where Ron's torso was staining the grass with blood. Not finding the Horcrux among Ron's severed body, Harry scowled. Even in death, Ron Weasley found a way to be a pain in the ass.

* * *

**Owl Treats...**

An angry Hedwig loomed in the rafters of the Great Hall. All around her were her legion of followers. It had taken years, but she was ready to seek vengeance against the red-haired fool who dared to eat HER treats.

Master Harry had been buying and giving her treats for years; however, in the spring of 1991, her master had sent the red-haired one to her to deliver a letter. She didn't mind. Her master was a good human, and he always made sure to give her a nice treat before and after every delivery.

The red-haired wizard was given a treat to give to her by her master, but instead he had stupidly asked her if the treats tasted good.

Of course they tasted good! That's why they were called treats!

The red-haired one had not understood her insistent demands that she be given her treat, and he ate the treat right in front of her. Hedwig remembered how the redheaded wizard's face lit up in delight at the taste of her treat, and how he had condescendingly told her how tasty it was.

She had waited years for her vengeance. Her master, obviously oblivious to the redhead's treachery, continued to send the stupid human to her to deliver mail. Each time, the redhead human ate HER treat before sending her on her way.

The redheaded wizard had made a mistake though. He was told to give each Hogwarts owl a letter telling the world of the dark one's demise. He was given a large bag of owl treats, and told to give one to each of her kin before sending them on their way with the letters. The stupid wizard had eaten the entire bag on the walk between the Headmistress' office and her nest!

The Hogwarts owls were enraged by their lack of treats, and Hedwig used the opportunity to tell of the red-haired wizard's crimes against her over the past seven years. Her brethren had rallied around her, and now they circled ominously around the Great Hall. Before the great battle, Hedwig led the ancient owl war cry.

Hoot! Hoot! Cherp! Hooooot! Hooooot! CHHHHHEEEERRP!

When the red-haired wizard looked up to see what was making the loud noise, Hedwig led her flock in a massive dive. With her incredible vision, Hedwig saw that the sight of 1000 owls diving at him caused the human to soil himself.

When the human made to run for the main entrance, Hedwig signaled her brothers and sisters to stop the human at all costs. They could not follow the redhead if he made it to the safety of the low ceilings!

As one, a thousand owls fired droppings at the redhead. Many struck the boy, causing him to scream in disgust; however, many more, hit the floor in front of him, and the notorious redheaded owl treat thief slipped and fell backwards.

Hedwig watched as the wizard's head struck the floor with a resounding CRACK. The wizard lay motionless for some time, and a particularly brave Eagle Owl flew down to inspect the boy's body.

"Hoot. Hoot. Hoot," the Eagle Owl called out.

Relishing her victory, Hedwig and her flock flew from the Great Hall and returned to their nest. Upon arrival she found her human waiting for her with a large smile on his face.

"Hey girl," he said cheerfully. "I know you just got back, but do you think you could deliver this letter to Remus?"

"Hoot!"

Her human smiled. "Of course, I'd never not give you a treat."

Hedwig sighed as she chewed on her treat. The dark one who had sought her human's death was vanquished, and the evil eater of her treats was killed. Yes, all was right in the world.

* * *

**A little bit of random...**

"Damn it Ron, I don't care!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Well you should!"

"Why? Quidditch is the stupidest game ever, and the only reason I go is because I know it's important to Harry...and you."

"YOU LOVE HIM! I KNEW IT! YOU STUPID MUDBLOOD!"

"I hate you! _Avada Kedavra_!" Hermione shouted, killing the mean idiot.

"Hermione, I've secretly loved you for my entire life. Let's hide Ron's body and go make love!" Harry shouted before exposing his massive 14 inch erection.

"Oh, Harry, I'd love too!" Hermione grabbed Harry's impressive manhood. "You're much bigger than Ron."

* * *

**A/N: **That last one is a spoof on all those Harry and Hermione secretly lust for each other but only realize it after Ron does something stupid fics. I was reading a particularly bad one out of boredom, and I found it quite funny. I just thought I'd summarize the 5,000 word angst filled piece of crap in less than 200 words for everyone.

Yes, The!Excessive!Use!Of!Exclamation!Marks!Is!Intentional!

I will work on this story sporadically, so expect inconsistent updates.

This fic is unbeta'd. Please don't comment about any grammatical errors. All mistakes are mine, and I'm sorry for them. I'll see about having this story edited when I have the chance.


	2. Deaths 6 to 10

101 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley

Chapter 2

#6-10

**The Seven Deadly Sins Part 3 (Greed)...**

"_Lumos_!" Ron, Hermione, and Harry called out, lighting up the Lestrange's vault.

Ron's eyes widened as he saw the incredible wealth that was surrounding him. Glittering jewels sparked from every corner while the floor was covered in mounds of golden Galleons. When he saw the fake sword of Gryffindor lying unceremoniously amongst a jumble of chains, Ron wanted to scream at the unfairness of life. Lestrange didn't know that the sword was fake, and it looked like she just tossed it into a corner of her vault without even caring.

Glancing across the vault where Harry was inspecting a few jeweled cups, Ron remembered how much wealth Harry possessed. During their second year, Ron saw his best mate just throw Galleons into a money bag, not even bothering to count how much he took out. Harry was the same as Lestrange. He had so much money that he'd be able to just toss a priceless relic to the side of his vault without even caring.

For his entire life, Ron knew his family vault rarely contained more than a few odd Galleons. It wasn't fair!

Suddenly, an idea entered Ron's mind, and, slowly, a smile crossed his face.

Silently, he summoned Harry's moleskin bottomless pouch. If they were going to steal a Horcrux from Lestrange, what difference would it make if Ron helped himself to a sizable portion of gold as well? It's not like the murdering bitch deserved it.

Approaching the closest mound of gold, Ron ignored Hermione's cry of pain and Griphook's explanation about the Gemino and Flagrante curses. His eyes were gleaming –thoughts of what he would do with his new-found wealth were dancing around his head. He'd buy the fastest broomstick in the world. No, he'd buy _two_ of the fastest broomsticks in the world. Then he'd build a massive house that would put Malfoy Manor to shame!

Smiling, Ron leaned forward and shoved both his hands into the massive pile of Galleons.

"RON! NO!" Harry screamed, seeing what his friend was doing.

But Ron didn't hear Harry. He couldn't hear anyone over the sounds of his own screaming. When his hands had touched the Galleons, the coins had heated up to incredible temperatures and burned right through his flesh. The incredible pain caused Ron to momentarily loose his balance and he tipped forward, falling headfirst into the massive stack of Galleons.

Immediately, the Galleons heated up and began burning Ron as more and more Galleons magically appeared all around him. These new Galleons also burned and began duplicating, and, suddenly, Ron found himself buried beneath an ever growing stack of burning Galleons. The coins began burning off the flesh around his face, arms, and legs. His clothes soon caught fire, burning his chest, back, and lower body.

As he continued to scream, he never noticed the chaos he caused for his friends and Griphook. As he writhed in agony beneath all the gold coins, more and more coins began to fill the vault. His last thought before the blackness overtook him was about how much he hated Harry and Hermione for not helping him. He never knew, or cared, that his greed had doomed them as well.

* * *

**The Unbreakable Vow...**

"Fred and George got me to make an Unbreakable Vow when I was about five. When Dad found out, he went mental," said Ron, with a reminiscent gleam in his eyes. "Only time I've ever seen Dad as angry as Mum. Fred reckons his left buttock has never been the same since."

"You really made an Unbrakable Vow?" Hermione asked aghast.

Ron puffed out his chest proudly. "Yep."

"What did you agree to do?" Harry asked.

"I can't quite remember now that I think about it," Ron admitted.

"What!" exclaimed Hermione. "Ron do you have any idea how dangerous that is? You could die!"

"Calm down, Hermione. It was just something incredibly stupid." Ron's face suddenly lit up. "I remember now! I swore I'd never say I'm not a jobbernowl."

The moment the last syllable left Ron's mouth, his entire body stiffened, and he fell to the floor.

As Hermione screamed, Harry laughed. The twins really were comic genius. With a grin on his face, Harry looked at Ron's corpse. "You are such a jobbernowl Ron."

* * *

**The Chess Match...**

"We're nearly there," Ron muttered suddenly. "Let me think -- let me think..."

The white queen turned her blank face toward him.

"Yes..." said Ron softly, "it's the only way ... I've got to be taken."

"NO!" Harry and Hermione shouted.

"That's chess!" snapped Ron. "You've got to make some sacrifices! I take one step forward and she'll take me -- that leaves you free to checkmate the king, Harry!"

"Ron, don't do this," Harry said urgently. "There has to be another way. This chest board was suppose to stop someone from stealing the Philosopher's Stone!"

Ignoring his two friends, Ron took one step forward.

The white queen immediately surged forward, withdrew a vicious looking mace, and brought it down against Ron's temple, killing him instantly.

* * *

**A Bloody Awakening... **

Harry was flipping through the Prince's potions book when he spotted a small note scrawled at the bottom of a page.

_Sectumsempra _

_For enemies. _

His concentration was broken, however, when Ron suddenly let out a horrendously loud snore. Glancing over at Ron, a grin began to form on Harry's face. Ron's snoring had kept him up for years. It was finally some time for a little payback.

Drawing his wand, Harry quietly said, "_Sectumsempra._"

The moment the spell made contact, blood erupted out of Ron's back as though he had been slashed with an invisible sword.

"No –" gasped Harry, who looked at the bloody visage of his best friend.

Harry raced over to help his friend, but the few healing charms he knew seemed to have no effect. When the light seemed to dim behind Ron's eyes, thoughts of being sent to Azkaban crept into Harry's mind.

Terrified, Harry pointed his wand at Ron and transfigured his best friend into a sock. He then vanished Ron's blood off the bed curtains, pillows, and mattress. With the room clean, Harry turned his attention to the sock that was innocently sitting on the ground. Grimacing, he said, "_Incendio._"

Harry watched the sock burn until all that was left was a pile of ash. With a swish of his wand, Harry vanished the ashes.

"Hey Harry," Neville said entering the boy's dormitory, "is Ron up yet?"

"I don't know, Nev." Harry made a show of going over to look at Ron's bed. "I guess so. I think he mentioned something about wanting to get some Quidditch practice in this morning before class."

* * *

**The Greater Good...**

A prefect badge fell from Ron's letter. "I'm a prefect," he said in shock.

Harry looked at the badge and fought the urge to go downstairs and ask McGonagall and Dumbledore if they were high when they selected the male Gryffindor prefect this year. Instead he bit his tongue and said, "Good on you mate. Can I take a look at it?"

"Sure," Ron said, completely shocked. "I was positive you would get it, Harry."

'You and the rest of the world,' Harry thought darkly.

Just then Hermione burst into the room and saw the prefect badge Harry was holding. "Oh! I knew you'd getting it Harry," she said excitedly, "we're going to have so much fun patrolling together this year."

Harry quickly shook his head. "No, Hermione, it's not mine. Ron got the prefect badge, not me."

Hermione's eyes widened in horror before she calmed down and started to laugh. "Harry don't even joke about that," she chided. "You almost had me though."

"It's not a joke! I'm a prefect!" Ron snapped, grabbing his badge back from Harry. "Dumbledore obviously thought that _I_ was the best man for the job, and if you don't like it Hermione, you can tell McGonagall _you_ quit."

A dark look crossed Hermione's face and she viciously waved her wand at the door, causing it to slam and lock.

Harry's eyes widened. "Hermione, you just did magic! You've got to be careful or you'll get a letter from the ministry just like I did."

"I'm not getting a letter, Harry," she growled angrily. "You see, after I found out I was a perfect, I caught the twins talking about selling their products in the Gryffindor common room. I threatened to vanish all their supplies unless they told me how to remove the trace from my wand."

"That's bloody brilliant." Ron laughed. "I should go find the twins and threaten them as well."

"I'm sorry Ron, but you won't be going anywhere. _Incarcerous_!" Several large ropes sprung out of Hermione's wand and bound Ron tightly, causing him to fall to the floor.

"Hermione what are you doing?" Harry demanded, drawing his wand.

"Don't interfere, Harry," Hermione warned. "You can't cast a spell or the ministry will have you thrown out of Hogwarts faster than you can say Quidditch. Besides, this is for the greater good."

Ron glared at her from the floor. "What are you talking about you craz–"

"_Silencio_," Hermione said calmly.

"Hermione." Harry put both his hands up to show that he wasn't holding his wand. "Just what are you doing?"

"I've never been one to challenge authority, Harry, you know that. But I absolutely refuse to have Ron as a prefect partner. Can you see Ron taking his duties seriously?" Hermione challenged.

Harry looked uncomfortable. He glanced down at Ron, who was looking at him pleadingly. "He'd try his best."

Hermione laughed ruefully. "No he wouldn't, and don't try to tell me you honestly believe that. You should have been a prefect, Harry. Merlin, Neville should have been chosen as a prefect before Ron. At least he is good at Herbology and would be nice to the younger students! I can already see Ron not taking his duties seriously and flaunting the privileges that prefects _normally_ deserve."

"Alright, you have a point," Harry conceded.

Ron glared hatefully at his two former best friends.

"Don't look so upset Ron. You know it's true." Hermione gave Ron a cold smile "Now Ron, since you are unwilling to resign your post, and I am not going to quit, that only leaves one option." Hermione removed a series of multicolored vials out of her robe. "I confiscated these from the twins. They're some of their more _interesting_ Potions, and I didn't think they should be allowed at Hogwarts."

As Hermione took a threatening step forward, Ron seemed to understand what she was going to do, and he closed his mouth.

"Be a dear and force Ron to open his mouth for me, Harry," Hermione said darkly.

"What will those potions do to him?" Harry asked hesitantly. He'd never seen Hermione act like this before!

Hermione gave Harry a reassuring smile. "They'll just stop him from being a prefect."

"That's it?" Harry asked.

"That's it," Hermione confirmed.

"I'm sorry about this Ron," Harry said looking down at his friend, "but we both know that I should have been the Gryffindor prefect."

Without much difficulty, Harry held Ron's nose closed, and, after a good minute, Ron had to open his mouth to breathe. Hermione used the opportunity to empty the contents of the three vials into Ron's mouth and held his jaw shut.

"Just swallow the potions Ron. Merlin knows what effects they could have if they activate in your mouth," Hermione urged.

Ron shivered in terror before ingesting the potions.

"Good boy," Hermione said, patting Ron's head. "Harry we should leave."

"What about Ron?" Harry asked, watching as his friend seemed to be turning green and twitching.

"The convulsions only last a little while," Hermione said as she unlocked the door. "Let's go get some breakfast. I'm hungry."

Reluctantly, Harry followed Hermione out of the room and went downstairs to the kitchen. A few minutes into a wonderful breakfast, there was a massive explosion that shook the entire house. While everyone else dove for cover, Hermione just smiled and continued to eat her porridge. Every now and then she'd stroke her prefect badge with a content smile on her face.

**

* * *

**

**A/N**: This chapter was a little darker than the first one. Hope you all liked it anyway. In case you're wondering how Ron died in the Greater Good, it was exactly how the Lizard died at the end of the film Formula 51. If you've never seen that movie, I'd recommend you rent, download, or buy it. Samuel L. Jackson in a kilt... need I say more? Okay, save yourself the money and don't buy it, but it's still a really good, bad movie.

Points to anyone who knew what a jobbernowl was without having to look it up.

My latest epic length fic will be posted as soon as I get the chapter back from my beta, so be on the lookout for that.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter.


End file.
